No, anything but the buttons!

Na ja, for those of you who don’t know what’s been going on here in Stuttgart, I’ve been too busy to write, because someone’s been trying to break into my apartment.  For this reason truffles have not seemed very important in the last two weeks, but I’m pretty calm at the moment after we’ve had our lock replaced and Si has given himself Schäferhund (German Shepard) Status.  His plan is to bite anyone who tries anything funny.  Either that or annex Germany to Texas and live out his cowboy fantasies.  Germans seem to have a lot of them, I’m finding out.  

However this doesn’t mean we’ve been fungus-less.  Mushrooms have become a regular part of our diet, and I’ve discovered a number of useful things about them.  The first thing you should know is that you can cook button mushrooms in a non-stick pan without any oil.  I swear.  All you have to do is wash them and cut off the tips of the stems before throwing them on the pan on medium heat.  Don’t dry them beforehand.  The result is a nice smokey mushroom with much more flavor than if you’d doused them in half a bottle of oil.  Mushrooms are notorious for having the appetite of a vampire going through human rehab when it comes to oil, so they’re a lot healthier this way to.  My only problem is that Jamie Oliver said he was going to come get me if I used button mushrooms for his mushroom risotto.  However, I think he’s giving them a bum rap.  Even buttons have potential!  Besides, my budget just doesn't allow for "dried porcini mushrooms."  Buttons are just fine, Jamie!

Now, as to the risotto.  I’d advise attempting this with risotto rice, or some kind of quick-cooking rice.  Not with the wild brown rice I used--or else you’ll have a repeat of the scenario Si and I experience not long ago: 

Si: “How long does the rice take to cook?  It smells good.” 

Me:  “Not long--you have to keep stirring it until it absorbs all of the broth.” 

Si: “Okay.  I’ll wait to cook the fish then.”

20 minutes later....

Si:  “I’m so hungry--I’m going to throw the fish in the oven now.” 

Me:  “Okay.  I’m sure the risotto is almost done with it’s fungus-filled marination.” 

45 minutes later:  

Si: (Has morphed into a grumpy bear by this point.) “I haaaaaaaave to eat something. I’m going to cook a Spiegelei (fried egg).   Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.  

Me: (Slowly backing away from the stove).  “Okaaaaaaaaay.”  

15 Minutes Later....

Si:  (Munching on a Spiegelei auf Brot (fried egg on bread) with a worried expression on his face).  “Bin ich im Hundenhaus (Am I in the dog house?)”

Me:  Umm,  no.  People are allowed to get grumpy when they are hungry in this apartment.   

Si:  Das ist sehr beruhigend (That is very reassuring).  Entschuldigung.  
Me: Macht nichts.  

5 Minuates later.....

Me:  The rice is......crunchy.  

Si:  Yes, it is.  But that’s okay.  It still tastes good! (Crunch, crunch, crunch.)
Me: You're a very wise man, Si.  Crunch, crunch, crunch.  

Unlocking the Secret Mushroom Code

Wild mushroom risotto.  Venison Stroganoff.  Grilled mushrooms with butter over panini.  Is your mouth watering? I know mine is after watching Jamie Oliver frolic through the English wood picking mushrooms--the chicken broth for that sauce might as well be the drool that just dripped onto my pillow.  

This reminds me: Germans are crazy about mushrooms: Truffle, Pfifferlinge, Champingions, Pilze--anybody who has more than three names for mushrooms has to be a bit of a fungi fanatic.  How could I forget?  What's been keeping me from taking advantage of the perfect mushroom location--southern Germany (i.e. Swabia, as opposed to Bavaria--google a map if you don't know)--for so long?  It's the New Year and it's as good a time to learn something new as any.  Visions of prancing through the woods with a brown wicker basket and a red scarf in my hair start to run through my head.  What am I waiting for?  If I want to accomplish something, it's time to schaffen schaffen schaffen!  (The Swabian expression for "Work, work, work!")

First problem: January is not exactly mushroom season.  Well, is it?  I'm not entirely sure.  It might be the right time for harvesting some kind of the many, many, many, many different types of truffles which grow  in Germany.  However, I know enough to say it's probably not Pfifferlinge season, because the gourmets in Stuttgart won't start advertising the wonderful delights of this particular kind of fungus until sometime in the spring.  

To be honest my knowledge of fungi is rather limited.  I know some can be poisonous and that you're better off NOT eating wild mushrooms as opposed to romantically imagining yourself to be Oscar Wilde on a long ago Spaziergang through the enchanted wood.  You probably wouldn't feel too enthusiastic about being prematurely preserved after an ill-advised preemptive mushroom tasting.  

Here is what I do know:  

1) All Germans have secret mushroom "hoards," in the woods somewhere, the locations of which they guard like bridge trolls.   I know this because that's what we learned in German class with Herr W in high school, so it must be true.  You might just learn the secret location of these hoards if a German decides to trust you.  Which, by the time he does, you'll probably be pushing daisies anyway.  And, since I'm going to be trying to find out about mushrooms in Swabia, I know I'll definitely be pushing daisies.  

2) "Heh?  Mushroom Hoards?" is the response I get from Si, my boyfriend, when I ask him about the possible location of his.  "Germans don't have mushroom hoards.  Who says Germans have mushrooms hoards?  I don't know anyone who has a mushroom hoard.  Who told you that?  Besides, you can't eat most of the mushrooms from the woods.  They were all exposed to radiation thanks to the nuclear accident at Chernobyl and most of them are too radioactive to eat."  Obviously Si's not ready to open up about this very sensitive issue yet.  I'll give it time.  

3) Should you manage to find a non-radioactive toadstool, the local pharmacy offers a special service.  They'll identify the type of mushroom for you, just in case you might want to make sure you don't wipe out three generations of your family at once.  It might be a good idea.  

However, after Si's radioactive comment, I decide to scratch the wild mushroom gathering.  For now.   This still isn't going to stop me from finding out something that a real German knows about mushrooms, so I head out into the cold, rainy, cloudy and betrübter Swabian day (the weather in Swabia is usually pretty betrübt, or "troubled" in Swabia--must be the bad mood incurred from always having to be the best at everything).  Hopefully I'll come back with more than just mold!